No one cares

Today I found our that really no one will care about yourself rather than yourself. Don't expect everyone to be Mother Teresa. That will give up their life for others. No one will. Even your close one. Even the one that you called love.

Today I learn a new thing. Love yourself first. Be selfish. If not people will just step over you. Do what you enjoy. Do what you love. Because if you give in and help others, people will still disrespect you. No one cares how you feel. People just want to use you to reach their goals. 

Don't care people say. They can say you are selfish and self-centered when you put yourself first. Life move on. Now I know what is the most difficult things to achieve in life. That is Happiness.

Words

Rather than are you ok. I got what have you been doing.

Is hurting when you are still holding

 The longer I hold, the more painful it is. I keep thinking of positive about her, but she keep thinking all the negative about me. I am tired. I believe she is tired too. I let her do whatever she wants already, without complain. All the time I just swallow all the hurt and unhappiness. Just so she can be happy. But I am unhappy. Is this love? How long can I hold on? 

I told her thousand of times. I hate it when people wake me up from my sleep. but she still do it. Cause she just cannot give me have a good sleep. Still dare to ask me how come I got dark circle and always so tired. Did I ever disturb her? 

I got stay home notice. I willing to risk and go out with her. But she die die want me go out with her. Of course, I am the one that get caught and not her. she will be fine but not me. If it was her, she definitely will not do it. 

I overslept cause I eat medicine. I took the flu medic that make me drowse. But she cares? No. Why I need to be sick during this time. 

Work is against me, she also against me. Forget it. I don't care anymore. Cause no one cares about me too. Only the mouth say cares. If I die and never appear on the wedding day also my fault. Even my dead body must be there any say the vow! 

Satisfy in the presence of God.

I am not satisfy with just wist deep, where everybody at. I want more of you. God, if you want me to go even deeper, God call me now and I will go. I want to be fully submerged in your presence. You alone I will follow. Cause I want my life to walk on righteousness and not what is popular. God, how long I need to be hunger for then you will bless me! I want more of You! I want to love my life daily with you! For you alone I love! For you alone I long for! God, touch me! God be my guild! I really longing for more of you! I willing to put other things aside just to be in your presence! Show me your glory!

Encounter 2017 camp day 1.

Today camp is good. Today have a great revelation from God. 

A dead land with no living things on it. However, when God touches it, the land start fill with life. Living animal start running on the land. Plants and trees start growing. Not just God can do it, we can donor as well. Because God is with us. God have giving us his power to do it.

I know that wherever God have sent me, I will bring revival into the land. Even nobody can see good in this land, it will come to life again. Amen.

我不配

In a relationship at least one need to give in. I been giving in and change because of her. I love her. But everytime she expect more and more and unreasonable. Whatever she like I must do. Do I even ask anything from her? I need peace did she give me? I need my alone time did she give me? From the day I be with her I already no freedom. Did I ask for anything? Gues what she say, She feel that I don't love her. I just feel comfortable with her thats all. How to find someone you comfortable with? She like to think a lot I also cannot stop. She always say whatever she thinks is correct, I also cannot do anything. Maybe she found a guy that cannot love her enough. I love her, but not as much as she expected. Isit time to let go and let her find the person that she deserve more? Hope she can find a guy that love her more than I do. I willing to let go if she want to go.

Stress and fear is creeping in

Days go by and exam days are getting closer. got back most of the test result. Bad report upon bad report. Some days, I thinking how can I survive in the long run. By I always believe God have a plan and a purpose for me and I know I can pull through it with God. I am living with his strengh and not mine.

God have you forgotten me? God I am here. God please help me! God can you hear my cry?


Thinking why did I put myself in these situation. But I know is God plans and I always trusting Him, He have not forsacken me. He is working on me. You will be the centre in everything I have.